"Cause Love is giving someone the power
to destroy you.....

but trusting them not to."

One Step Braver..

Backsound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbmta_UiEvw

Without knowing where I should start.

So..... that's all. "Indescribable twelve days story."
For the first time, I was totally never thought it would be like this.
Trapped me in a situation i've never been there before.. That deep yet complicated.
One moment, thought it would be such a joyful journey, exciting one..
It's true that it really ever gave me pleasant times i've never wished.
When suddenly, my heart told me to hold for a sec. I did stop and was trying to figure everything out..
When suddenly, the world just like tell me the truth I should know..

Some stories has been made only by four to five times of meeting.
Once, felt everything was clearly fine. I even felt like that was one of the best moment ever when we stood under the trees and rain.. lighty chitchat, some jokes and the way you treated me that whole evening..
Told everything. And now, realizing that was my first mistake which made my own self trapped by the game you're trying to play with my feeling. I opened the door widely when you actually don't even wanna open your curtain..
First, second and third of all.. The only thing I can feel was only deceitful happiness.
Still drunk by all of your poisons.. All of the meaningless words, those heartcatching pictures, even the songs you played right next to me that time.

All kinds of thing you knew to make a woman feel special and also you knew you can steal everything you've given to me anytime you want just by the excuse sounds "you are the one who feel that way; you are the one who puts your expectation; you are the one who let me comes to your house and mess everything up".....
Very smart of you, man.

Convinced myself that I could handle it.. even everything became more confusing each day..
Until that last time..
I was totally talked about everything and asked what I can ask, because I knew it would be hard to make you answer all of my questions clearly.. But still, I trusted you stupidly. Where actually all you did was just teasing me and playing with my fragile heart wickedly. By any techniques you knew.
Made my feelings up and down many times, and you did that on purpose. The worst purpose by a jerk.
In the end, you offered me two choices. And again, based on what I felt for you, I chose the first one. The one you said you've also wanted. For what's called "us" to be exist.. And you even said you did love..... eventho I knew i'm not the only one. You knew what's my point of weakness. And you struck it.

Till night.. Still felt like nothing's wrong. Was enjoying every moment. Every step we've through together.
Those surprising grasps, hugs, kisses, jokes, laughter.. The moment when I thought we're the happiest persons that time until we can't even say anything but smile.....


What we've been build for those six hours.. no, these twelve days..
it's been broken just by less than a minute......
how hurt was that.....
Sick with all of your conspiracy, tired with all the things you hide, hurt by any games you were playing. And those fluctuations you gave to myself.....

And I decided to just picked the second one in the end..
you said, if we do stop, we will see who's the one who will feel like losing, which I actually knew.. you won't.
so, we just ended everything.
We ended something that even never been started..


Yesterday, the hardest time you ever gave to me this whole time.
The way you showed me everything you did and held.. Those cynical sights.. Those silences like there's really never anything has happened between us.
Tried to tell myself that everything would be fine in the end.. Although I had to pretend like i'm not even sad at all when I honestly felt so awful until it felt so hard just to swallow my spittle when I saw you two..
I did masking a lot.


After one full day under distress,
again and again.. what's so called Universe suddenly made everything seemed to the brightest for myself.
I always believe there's no coincidence,
when suddenly that late night, by some little accident, someone just came to me and we had some hours to walk for a little journey together. And that's the time where I got the answer for this whole complicated things. All of the answer I need to hear to convince me with anything. The one who told me the truth i've never knew..

Unexpected thing happened, which really helps me thru this hard time. Universe just showed me its new script. And it's way too surprising and amazing. Just got new lesson that we should never-ever-doubt God's help in any case. It will come greatly when you least expect it through anything you've even never had imagine before.

I suddenly healed like.. totally. I realized everything.
Now I believe that I took a right decision..
Now I know the truths..
Now I understand why everything does happen this way..
most importantly,
Now I get myself back and  I got a new-very-precious-lesson from this valuable experience.
It even taught me that next time I really have to be stronger and learn how to make a good defense for my own heart. That one says I shouldn't judge myself too much anymore..
Just be a tough woman, then! :)

So.. maybe that's all I can tell. It's just.. if 'you' maybe read this post..

I would like to tell you.. from the deepest of my heart, I wanna say thank you so much.

For everything I got by knowing you in my life even just for a very little tiny time.

You've no idea how many lessons you gave to me indirectly..

Even though I've never showed you my tears and just always told you that my heart has been shaken too much.. I believe you knew that's what makes me one step braver just like I told ya.

thanks for all those pleasant times.. thanks for this new exciting experience cause whether it was good nor bad, you knew I always want this and ready for anything. I didn't lie to ya, tho. :)

thanks for made me learn one new thing..
not to present in two people who already has a long history before my existence. :)

If I may to say this kind of thing.. My one last request, for you not to think someone's feeling as a toy anymore.. cause you know, "as you sow, so shall you reap"..

Based on what I still feel for you right now plus there's no reason for me to have such a hate or mad feeling to you.. So i'm just going to see this case with a positive reappraisal ;)

I apologize that everything doesn't go well just like what you want. I'm not strong or good enough to stand by you.. and i'm sorry for always seems that I take everything too seriously.
You knew it from the start :)

Well.. It's gonna be my last post for you and about us.

I know it's impossible to forget you, cause you do know that you will always be in my unconscious mind even though I try to remove ya.. so I think i'm just gonna do repress about this whole thing.

wish me luck and..... have a good life ahead :)

When it suddenly becomes..

For a moment, I thought..

"If you simply ignored the feeling right now, you would never know what might happen. And when people ask me why I run, I tell them, there's no really a reason. It's just the adrenalin when you start, and the bloomy feeling when you cross that finish line in someone's heart. Cause however, even someone has flown and fallen, swum deep and drowned, but there should be more to love than surviving. Thinking you are that one."

when it suddenly becomes..

"I don't know whether I should stay and keep going or just leave.. Is it all true? Or all of these are just in my head. If I do stay, would you come? And can I stand still? If I do leave, then what's the point of this? Did I took a wrong step? I do try to hold.. Cause I know I can't just avoid. Like it or not.. I'm trying to figure it out. Knowing something wrong with it. Still playing with fire, say that i'm ready to be burned or do the opposite, watering it. In fact, I haven't get burned yet but I've dampened it with some tears. It's so hard to always having this kind of complicated and fussy mind. To make a conclusion without knowing the truth which actually had never been told before.
Then what should I do..?"


Just came to my mind the second i'm typing it..
"You just need to understand that everything does need process and you shouldn't take anything too seriously" - Pishella's doing monologue over and over again.

Well, guess there's should be a relationship status for "I don't even know what's going on"

-tumblr 

"My feelings starts off as a picked flower, and everyone knows a picked flower sooner or later dies. I want to be with that person that is willing to take the seeds from that picked flower and create a garden of flowers, someone who will tend to my garden of feelings and won't let them die."

"I'm aware.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I'd rather be someone's shot of tequila.." 

Unconditional..

"Begitu cinta membara, maka sungai-sungai tak dapat memadamkan serta menghanyutkannya"

Dengan demikian, cinta pada hakikatnya merupakan sesuatu yang sacred, sakral.

Bersumber dari kedalaman Kasih sang Khalik sendiri.

Bahwa dalam perjalanannya cinta menjadi tidak lagi sakral dan tercemari oleh banyak pengaruh profan yang bersumber dari kedagingan manusia,
sehingga pijar cinta itu memudar atau bahkan musnah, maka itu perkara lain.

Namun penghargaan terhadap cinta merupakan sesuatu yang mutlak.

Sumber:

http://prasetyajosy.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Until it become Crystal Clear

That moment when you're just about to open the door and see what's next, but suddenly, it opened for you automatically and plied you with so many surprises which you've never thought about before..
Even though everything still seems so grey, but somehow it has a thing that got exactly right to myself already.
I may know nothing even the purpose, but this thing really does make me feel challenging yet loving.
Brighten up my days.. Lighten up my nights. It has got one of those points.
Whether it's the expert one nor it's just I'm the weak one.. Hate to realize that it all happens too fast, it what makes a defense of myself not to fall that easy. Meanwhile, I should admit that this kind of thing makes myself up with its tenderness. Every poison it has that makes me drunk..
All the good sides, and some bad sides I haven't know yet..
Say to myself, what if it's gone.. Do the monologue, I answer, so again, this is your new lesson.
Interesting one..
It can be as good as dreamydream, also it can be as bad as hurt.
Thinking to just enjoy the moment and wondering..
What would it be..
Where it is heading to..
Until it become crystal clear.


Just do what can I do, though. :D

Stand Right Above Myself

It's actually quite surprising how it all ended that fast.
It's all started when..

I suddenly think the whole thing which strike me does confuses me.
I suddenly have a deep conviction that this's the right time.

Deceitful happiness, temporary. I'd rather to stand on my own and reach those things with my hands. For I know I can never count on anyone.

When now I realize that actually I was just missing the old me.
Care for myself first then another person.
Want nothing but independence.

Hate to knowing that there's a limitation.
Strong willing to feel all the experiences out there.
Thirst of lessons in life.

I'm taking my time deciding how I want my life to be and who I want to spend it with.

Meanwhile..
The other side of my heart is telling me that I actually don't need to be that strong for thinking I could do anything without depending on someone.
So heart says.

Simply..
Maybe this is just all I need right now.

And I do, and will always be..
Believe that God and Universe will always help me through any hard time with its conspiracy which can be more than incredible than I've ever thought.

I did lost one thing, but what I got as its returns is priceless. :)